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(Tonio K.)

this isn’t a song
it’s a speech
it’s a speech with a beat
and i say:
what energy crisis?
what international situation?

we’ve got no problems
these are often my replies to the questions
the people say:
you seem to be a thinking kind of guy
you seem to like to talk about it
you drone on and on and on about what’s wrong
so you tell us pal—what it is?
i say:

hitch it up—it’s immune to fear and pain
hitch it up—it hasn’t got a brain
right down through the ages they’ve been searchin’ for the answer
hitch it up right now—harness the hamster

now i’m not talkin’ about just any damn hamster
no asian grey—no european black
i am of course talking about the fabled golden hamster of aleppo
discovered in the syrian desert in 1930
the golden hamster is relatively disease free and has a life expectancy of two years
gestation period: 16 days, average litter: 7
the fastest breeding mammal in the world
think of it
figure it out
factor it out
statistically it’s 4.77 x 1015 hamsters per year
from each pair we breed in captivity today


think of it:
petroleum based industry converts and the machines burn hamsters
for the home: hamster burning furnaces, hamster ranges and ovens
then you have your foodstuffs:
hamster and eggs, hamster sandwiches, grilled hamster and cheese, pressed hamster
an immediate end to hunger world wide
you could:
use the coats for clothing, carpets, insulation—anything
for those who can’t convert immediately:
teams of tens of thousands of hamsters harnessed to existing automobiles
the station wagon becomes a stage coach—the old west lives!
the possibilities are limitless!


hamsters for peace
the friendly hamster
and even more important in these dark times:
hamsters serving proudly for the national defense
picture it: armies of millions—billions—of combat trained
golden hamsters amassed along the perimeters of the western world
hamsters trained in espionage
homing hamsters
hamsters fueling both long and short range delivery systems
sophisticated hamster launches
heat-seeking hamsters
biochemical applications:
infect and send them scurrying across the borders
i tell you the possibilities are absolutely limitl…etc.

[It goes on and on; you get the point.]

©1980 Worthless Music (ASCAP)